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Sunday, December 11, 2011


Today I will have hope. Relax into the process of mothering these boys. Knowing I am the best person for this job despite being quite imperfect. This trying harder and anxiety over all the little ways that I fail every day is dragging at my soul.

I want to be more myself and less the picture of who I think I should be. I am not an ideal. I am myself. I am their mother. I want to be who I was created to be and to balance the improving and the grace of resting in that process. I will allow His Spirit to work in me and stop trying to do all the work myself. Stop trying to make it seem like I am who I want to be. Who I think I should be. But rather, love myself in this place of imperfection and especially, love these boys as they grow.

I am attempting, once again, to wait with contented anticipation.

Just Write

Thursday, December 1, 2011


Our Work At Home Family has a new (old) job. Dan started construction this week and my heart is heavy. I was taking for granted the way I could ease into my mornings; Dan taking R (and sometimes both boys) downstairs to play while I rested. Caught my breath before starting my day. Dan leaves by 5:30 most mornings and isn't home until 7pm. I know many women do this regularly. I just don't want to. Oh my patience (or lack there of) how it wears thin by 5 and I feel like screaming (occasionally do). I am spoiled. Or rather very blessed.

Oddly enough; I have been accomplishing more with less help. Go figure. But I feel it in my bones. And in the tightness by my eyes. This is not meant to be done alone. I long for a village, or at least a few friends nearby. Someone to hold my hands when they start to shake.

Grace must be my mantra. Love must be in every breath. I'm just afraid that I'll hold it all together until I don't... then what?

I've started Bikram's Yoga again. It has been a life saver. I know that despite how much I hate it; it saves my mind from breaking, forces me to get out of my own head and reminds me to breath. I also enjoy seeing my strength return and the energy and mood lift is irreplaceable. It's been three days and I can tell I need to go back. The water I drink is another benefit. On days I don't go to yoga I'll frequently forget to drink. But I know I have to if I don't want to pass out in class.

I want to continue constructing our family. I'm hoping for peace this Christmas season. Especially in my own heart and mind.