November is always hard for us. Dan and I both hate the change and struggle in the dark. We panic with the diminishing light; afraid it may be gone forever. I grasp at the last few days left with him home. Grasp at his time and moments and demand more; like a bear scarfing down food for winter.
Fear and depression, even fear OF depression, drags at my soul. J stops sleeping and R wakes up earlier with the time change. I am TIRED. To the bone.
I stumble with the boys. Voice raised in desperation. I am empty too often and forgetting where to find my fill. I wake Dan in the night and cry out my loneliness - dams breaking in the darkness - and his love stems the tide.
We are so in need of Grace. But perhaps even more we simply need to remember the Grace we have already been given. 1,000 gifts. In the darkness I whisper:
1. Sleeping baby at my breast; all heaviness and sweet sighs, warmth and love
2. Reminders that I am not alone. The voice in the darkness (or on the Internet) that calls out "we are the same" "we walk beside you!"
3. Boy running in the leaves and wind
4. Blessed In-laws who watch my babies well
5. My brother marries a sweet Blessing and I join in the dancing
6. Seeing my husbands love and joy in my smile and laughter
7. J's smile and belly laugh when R walks in the room
8. Music lifting my soul
9. Life with dear friends; hard work and deep stories being shared
10. Fires and good wine on a fall night
11. Being married to a good man
12. Bone-tired naps with my boys on the couch
13. Amazing chicken and sweet potatoes on the grill - food that fills and delights.
14. The boys playing together happily!
15. Remembering to remember