Yesterday Dan took me away.
We only had a few hours after church while my parents watched the boys.
Oh how I resisted. I came up with excuses why we couldn't go to Wonder's Cabin; we didn't have enough time, I was too tired to enjoy it, we should just do our usual coffee place or a hike... etc. I was afraid. Of what? Perhaps the pressure of it just being us or of expecting too much from such a special place or of him expecting more from me then I could give that day. Sometimes I find myself fearing to hope, to expect joy and anticipate peace. I am so wound up and anxious that I refuse to believe I can be any other way.
I felt the fear and knew I was being unreasonable - I told him to call and see if we could go (half hoping we couldn't so I wouldn't have to face myself) we could! The owner was in Florida and told us where to find the key. I took a deep breath and decided to enjoy what I could enjoy and to let go of the rest.
My parents were late. The milk I got out of the freezer for J was older and I wasn't sure he would take it. We drove to get water and I realized I forgot my phone. Dan and I argued. We went back for the phone. I felt this rush of panic of fear at leaving; of loss of control. That mommy anxiety about no one being good enough to know my boys well enough to care for them. What if....
We leave. I breathe. I am honest and open about those feelings.
I have an incredible husband. He listens; he laughs with me and embraces these quirks and thoughts without diminishing them or me. We drive. The car together is one of our favorite places. We talk easily there; always have. The tightness in my chest releases. I'm anticipating the warmth of the fire and the smell of fall air above the river. He holds my hand and speaks life to me. I am blessed.
We arrive. It's a secret place for us. A cabin built by Dan's great Uncle overlooking the Susquehanna River. We've spent a few nights here and a few afternoons as well. It smells of wood smoke and earth and something about the 60s. I build a fire in the stove and we cuddle up on the orange contoured chaise lounge (which is definitely something from the 60s or 70s). It's good to rest.
We post pictures on Instagram and talk. I feel the weight lift and Dan rubs the tension from my shoulders. The view is stunning and an eagle soars over the river. The smoke smells sweet and feels like home. This man knows me well and I thank him for gently pushing me towards the rest I need.
We go for a walk along the ridge and Dan takes pictures of us.
The sun sets in a blaze of glory bellow the sullen sky.
The darkness settles. We are sharing hearts and minds. I am reminded of how blessed I am. We will continue to come to this place. To feel the peace of fire and water and mountain and tree. Somedays it is so good to retreat.