Retreat

Yesterday Dan took me away.

We only had a few hours after church while my parents watched the boys.

Oh how I resisted.  I came up with excuses why we couldn't go to Wonder's Cabin; we didn't have enough time, I was too tired to enjoy it, we should just do our usual coffee place or a hike... etc.  I was afraid.  Of what?  Perhaps the pressure of it just being us or of expecting too much from such a special place or of him expecting more from me then I could give that day.  Sometimes I find myself fearing to hope, to expect joy and anticipate peace.  I am so wound up and anxious that I refuse to believe I can be any other way.

I felt the fear and knew I was being unreasonable - I told him to call and see if we could go (half hoping we couldn't so I wouldn't have to face myself) we could!  The owner was in Florida and told us where to find the key.  I took a deep breath and decided to enjoy what I could enjoy and to let go of the rest.

My parents were late.  The milk I got out of the freezer for J was older and I wasn't sure he would take it.  We drove to get water and I realized I forgot my phone.  Dan and I argued.  We went back for the phone.  I felt this rush of panic of fear at leaving; of loss of control.  That mommy anxiety about no one being good enough to know my boys well enough to care for them. What if....

We leave.  I breathe.  I am honest and open about those feelings.

I have an incredible husband.  He listens; he laughs with me and embraces these quirks and thoughts without diminishing them or me.  We drive.  The car together is one of our favorite places.  We talk easily there; always have.  The tightness in my chest releases.  I'm anticipating the warmth of the fire and the smell of fall air above the river.  He holds my hand and speaks life to me.  I am blessed.

We arrive.  It's a secret place for us.  A cabin built by Dan's great Uncle overlooking the Susquehanna River.  We've spent a few nights here and a few afternoons as well.  It smells of wood smoke and earth and something about the 60s.  I build a fire in the stove and we cuddle up on the orange contoured chaise lounge (which is definitely something from the 60s or 70s).  It's good to rest.

We post pictures on Instagram and talk.  I feel the weight lift and Dan rubs the tension from my shoulders.  The view is stunning and an eagle soars over the river. The smoke smells sweet and feels like home. This man knows me well and I thank him for gently pushing me towards the rest I need.

We go for a walk along the ridge and Dan takes pictures of us.

 I talk about the water.  How it brings me peace; soothes my anxiety.  We speak words of truth and love. I am drawn to the water and the fire.  Dan to the earth; to the rocks and trees and mountains.  The water is too unpredictable he says.  I laugh at the river of emotions he swims through being married to me.  He shrugs and says that opposites attract.  He is my mountain; my firm place in the midst of this rush of myself.  Stubborn.  We smile.  It is okay to be myself and tears come unbidden and I thank him.

The sun sets in a blaze of glory bellow the sullen sky.

We walk back to the cabin and our fire and warmth.

The darkness settles.  We are sharing hearts and minds.  I am reminded of how blessed I am.  We will continue to come to this place.  To feel the peace of fire and water and mountain and tree.  Somedays it is so good to retreat.

We return home. The boys did well. We have brownies and ice cream with my parents; my brother and his wife of one week, my sister and her boyfriend.  God is good.

Five Minute Friday - Beyond Myself

Beyond

I look beyond myself. This tired, worn and failing soul. Look towards the chubby legs and reaching hands. Stretching out towards my face. Joy and smiles. Hope and wonder. Look beyond the darkness and the fear of not enough. See the life and hope growing in these little boys. Screams of joy and laughter split the air (and my head) but I will look beyond this momentary annoyance to the life it speaks of. Beautiful, wild and free. I want to be more like a child. Loving unreservedly. Unafraid of asking for what I need. Hope and fear. Unsteady feet running towards the one I love. Trust look beyond myself and towards the open arms ahead. Beyond myself and to the one who has loved beyond all borders and limitations. Unabashedly I lift my arms. With the trust and hope of a child. Hear my prayer take me beyond.

Stop

I typed this on my iPhone, normally I could write more then this in 5 minutes ;)

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Lonely and Mothering

I struggle with friendship. I don't make friends easily and I don't do well with casual relationships. I want to share my heart. I long to be seen. I delve deep and fall hard and love passionately. I am hesitant to reach out and slow to respond. The "normal" routes for creating relationship (mom groups, women's groups at church, even our small group) just leave me feeling awkward and wanting more. I was touched by this post by Emerging Mummy: In which I write a letter to Womens' Ministry. I want for, long for, a community of women to live and love with. 


I am lonely

We married young and moved a few times and most of the close friendships I have are now long-distance. Reaching out and calling and writing are not things I do well remembering. So life-giving conversations are few and far between. I am blessed to have married a man who has become my best friend. But there is only so much baggage and conversation a good man can manage. I've learned quickly that every though and every feeling does not need to be shared. We are happier when he is not my only friend.

I did not have a good model for making friends while growing up. My family was isolated, home schooled, counter-culture and my parents were introverts. Thinking back on it: our family friends decreased as I got older. I did not see my parents pursue and seek out friendships. They invested deeply in the few close ones they had and then slowly lost them.

Jugement and self-righteousness eat away at relationships. I struggle so mightily with these standards that seem "right" to me. I judge myself the hardest. And my lack of self-worth makes me put up a wall of my own negativity which effectively blocks those trying to reach out to me in friendship. I know I have failed to respond to some because I was too concerned by how well we might "fit" as friends and didn't open my heart to them.

I want to break through this wall of depression! I want to reach out to the image of myself that is reflected in Christ. I want to be the beauty that I know those few I hold dear see me as. I want to live like a person loved well because I AM. The darkness chokes me. Stifles life and hope. I rise up; willing myself to laugh and love and reach out. Then fall as those boney fingers of self-doubt and shear breathtaking tiredness drag me down.

I am a mother. I do not want to be a lonely one. I push and push and push. Trying to be enough and love enough and hide the darkness I feel in my soul because GOD I do not want to dampen these bright spirits with my own CRAP! I ask Jesus to hold me when I remember and I crash into this amazing Man who has held me through some of my darkest times. But it's not enough. I continue to return to the pigsty of depression. I know that this is not how I want to mother. I also know that I am doing a GREAT job. I am an incredible mom.

But it is taking everything that I have. Every ounce. I don't want to crash. Don't want to fail these little souls. I love these boys with everything that I am and I adore being their mother. They bring me joy in the darkness and they are a smile in the midst of my tears even today. I want to be more than this for them. I want to live fully. Not crippled and limping.

Knowledge is not enough. I see the patterns; know the triggers, am so damn self-aware! But that does not stop the flood of tears. It does not heal my heart. I know all the problems, see all the solutions, but I am paralyzed by fear.

I am afraid to hope. Afraid to fail. Desperately longing to be seen yet terrified of being found unappealing.

How do I move forward? How do you find the strength? I think I am, only to find myself here in the same cell of myself.


There is nothing contented about the state of my heart today. I feel more trepidation then anticipation.

My only prayer is this: Jesus hold me.


How do you fight isolation and loneliness as a mother? 

To Be More

I desire to be more
To stop the crumbling of my soul
This ache of imperfection
Stinging shame of words too harsh,
Heart not soft

I am a mother
Today not the mother I long to be

I wish for softer hands and voice
Deeper breaths of Grace
Falling down on my knees
Receiving strength from Someone stronger
Peace

This tense-necked, clenched-jawed, tired Mommy
Wants more
More Hope
For days filled with laughter
To step lighter into my boys lives
Big-eyed, laughing boys
How I long to be more for them
More for me
More for him
More for Him

I must be filled
So that open-armed
I can embrace the tiny lives in my care
Break, stubborn pride
Repentance to a child is humbling

Tomorrow
I will be more

I am mother
Tomorrow I will be the mother you need

Guilty

Mommy Guilt How do we get away from it? Is it really just moms who experience this lead weight on thier lives?

( I deleted the original body of this post. It wasn't very good. It didn't feel like me. It felt like that shadow of me that lurks around and tries to suffocate life. So it's gone. If you liked it and read it, I'm sorry. You can say so in the comments. But I'd rather be ending in hope and I just kinda fizzled. So in summary..)

I must approach each day with Grace; for myself, my children and my husband. That is how I will avoid Mommy Guilt. 

How do you avoid being trapped in Mommy Guilt?