Lonely and Mothering

I struggle with friendship. I don't make friends easily and I don't do well with casual relationships. I want to share my heart. I long to be seen. I delve deep and fall hard and love passionately. I am hesitant to reach out and slow to respond. The "normal" routes for creating relationship (mom groups, women's groups at church, even our small group) just leave me feeling awkward and wanting more. I was touched by this post by Emerging Mummy: In which I write a letter to Womens' Ministry. I want for, long for, a community of women to live and love with. 


I am lonely

We married young and moved a few times and most of the close friendships I have are now long-distance. Reaching out and calling and writing are not things I do well remembering. So life-giving conversations are few and far between. I am blessed to have married a man who has become my best friend. But there is only so much baggage and conversation a good man can manage. I've learned quickly that every though and every feeling does not need to be shared. We are happier when he is not my only friend.

I did not have a good model for making friends while growing up. My family was isolated, home schooled, counter-culture and my parents were introverts. Thinking back on it: our family friends decreased as I got older. I did not see my parents pursue and seek out friendships. They invested deeply in the few close ones they had and then slowly lost them.

Jugement and self-righteousness eat away at relationships. I struggle so mightily with these standards that seem "right" to me. I judge myself the hardest. And my lack of self-worth makes me put up a wall of my own negativity which effectively blocks those trying to reach out to me in friendship. I know I have failed to respond to some because I was too concerned by how well we might "fit" as friends and didn't open my heart to them.

I want to break through this wall of depression! I want to reach out to the image of myself that is reflected in Christ. I want to be the beauty that I know those few I hold dear see me as. I want to live like a person loved well because I AM. The darkness chokes me. Stifles life and hope. I rise up; willing myself to laugh and love and reach out. Then fall as those boney fingers of self-doubt and shear breathtaking tiredness drag me down.

I am a mother. I do not want to be a lonely one. I push and push and push. Trying to be enough and love enough and hide the darkness I feel in my soul because GOD I do not want to dampen these bright spirits with my own CRAP! I ask Jesus to hold me when I remember and I crash into this amazing Man who has held me through some of my darkest times. But it's not enough. I continue to return to the pigsty of depression. I know that this is not how I want to mother. I also know that I am doing a GREAT job. I am an incredible mom.

But it is taking everything that I have. Every ounce. I don't want to crash. Don't want to fail these little souls. I love these boys with everything that I am and I adore being their mother. They bring me joy in the darkness and they are a smile in the midst of my tears even today. I want to be more than this for them. I want to live fully. Not crippled and limping.

Knowledge is not enough. I see the patterns; know the triggers, am so damn self-aware! But that does not stop the flood of tears. It does not heal my heart. I know all the problems, see all the solutions, but I am paralyzed by fear.

I am afraid to hope. Afraid to fail. Desperately longing to be seen yet terrified of being found unappealing.

How do I move forward? How do you find the strength? I think I am, only to find myself here in the same cell of myself.


There is nothing contented about the state of my heart today. I feel more trepidation then anticipation.

My only prayer is this: Jesus hold me.


How do you fight isolation and loneliness as a mother? 

Burning Out - Extinguishing The Flames

I know that it happens to every mother at some point.

But I am just SO frustrated at myself!

This week has been hard. The tension in my shoulders and really in my entire body has started to build. I am getting strong visceral reactions to R saying "Read this one?" over and over again. I love to read to him. I adore that he loves to be read to. I want to encourage the love of books and stories and imagination as much as I can. It just feels like all I am doing is reading to him: When I sit down for my cup of coffee, I sit down to nurse J, when I finish eating, or start eating, when R finishes eating, when I wake up, before he goes to sleep. His beautiful face and sweet voice and a book greet me with this question "Read?".

Saying "no" doesn't work at all. Meltdowns ensue. Distracting with something else usually doesn't help unless it's his iPod (which I try to use very sparingly). You know I'm tired of reading when I offered to nurse him instead today (the other struggle I'm having: tandem nursing)... he finished nursing and picked the book back up to say: "Read?" *Sigh*

Postponing sometimes works. "Yes, we will read that book as soon as Mommy is done ______ (insert physically necessary thing for mom i.e.: peeing, eating etc)" But the reality over the past few days has been that I don't want to read anymore and that's what he really wants to do. How do we get to a happy place for both of us?

I've realized that I'm burnt out. Too many late nights over the past few weeks combined with J waking more than usual and generally needing more at night (think he's starting on a growth spurt and fighting off a cold). I've taken time for myself but I think it has been more about trying to take the time others expect me to need. I've also started that unhealthy checking out habit while with the kids (reading twitter or Facebook) which makes me that much more irritable when they need me.

I do not want to be a mother who resents her children. I want to enjoy them and enjoy myself as I enjoy them. I recently found a great post by the Leaky Boob about nurturing the nurture. Such a balance beam I need to walk on: meeting my children's needs and not neglecting mine. (so that I can continue to meet theirs) Where I am now: I am running and hiding. I am pushing them away because I'm so terribly tired and frustrated.

My Goals for the next few days: Go to Bikram's Yoga. Have coffee alone with a good book or journal. Shower. Drink more water. Eat. Pee when I need to.

I really don't want to keep slipping into this victim/martyr mentality. I become powerless and a slave to my children/circumstances. I saw my mother live there and it was not a happy place for her. I have choices that I make daily and I need to own them and be more creative about making sure everyone's needs are met. Including/Especially my own.

Right now I'm going to sleep. Because that is something I just don't get enough of...

He really does love his books...