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Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Burning Out - Extinguishing The Flames

I know that it happens to every mother at some point.

But I am just SO frustrated at myself!

This week has been hard. The tension in my shoulders and really in my entire body has started to build. I am getting strong visceral reactions to R saying "Read this one?" over and over again. I love to read to him. I adore that he loves to be read to. I want to encourage the love of books and stories and imagination as much as I can. It just feels like all I am doing is reading to him: When I sit down for my cup of coffee, I sit down to nurse J, when I finish eating, or start eating, when R finishes eating, when I wake up, before he goes to sleep. His beautiful face and sweet voice and a book greet me with this question "Read?".

Saying "no" doesn't work at all. Meltdowns ensue. Distracting with something else usually doesn't help unless it's his iPod (which I try to use very sparingly). You know I'm tired of reading when I offered to nurse him instead today (the other struggle I'm having: tandem nursing)... he finished nursing and picked the book back up to say: "Read?" *Sigh*

Postponing sometimes works. "Yes, we will read that book as soon as Mommy is done ______ (insert physically necessary thing for mom i.e.: peeing, eating etc)" But the reality over the past few days has been that I don't want to read anymore and that's what he really wants to do. How do we get to a happy place for both of us?

I've realized that I'm burnt out. Too many late nights over the past few weeks combined with J waking more than usual and generally needing more at night (think he's starting on a growth spurt and fighting off a cold). I've taken time for myself but I think it has been more about trying to take the time others expect me to need. I've also started that unhealthy checking out habit while with the kids (reading twitter or Facebook) which makes me that much more irritable when they need me.

I do not want to be a mother who resents her children. I want to enjoy them and enjoy myself as I enjoy them. I recently found a great post by the Leaky Boob about nurturing the nurture. Such a balance beam I need to walk on: meeting my children's needs and not neglecting mine. (so that I can continue to meet theirs) Where I am now: I am running and hiding. I am pushing them away because I'm so terribly tired and frustrated.

My Goals for the next few days: Go to Bikram's Yoga. Have coffee alone with a good book or journal. Shower. Drink more water. Eat. Pee when I need to.

I really don't want to keep slipping into this victim/martyr mentality. I become powerless and a slave to my children/circumstances. I saw my mother live there and it was not a happy place for her. I have choices that I make daily and I need to own them and be more creative about making sure everyone's needs are met. Including/Especially my own.

Right now I'm going to sleep. Because that is something I just don't get enough of...

He really does love his books...

2 comments:

  1. Wow. You are me. :) It is SO HARD to juggle it all. I find that the following things help when I feel totally frazzled:
    1. Go to bed at 7:30 one night. You'll be a different person the next day.
    2. Save checking your email/fb/twitter till the end of the day, after the kids are asleep. You don't do much productive after dinner anyway (if you are me :)) so take this time to relax. It's much less frustrating without a kid climbing on your lap and screaming "I'm stuck!" when you have an arm on each side of him so you can type.
    3. Make a sensory box. This can be a bit of a nuisance (My boyfriend HATES it), but it takes up Baby T's attention for 30 mins at a time. I dyed different kinds of pasta and put it in a plastic storage tub with some cups, shovels, pipe cleaners, and an ice cube tray. Baby T loves to "make ice cream" with it and scoop it and dump it out. It is much easier to clean up if you spread a tablecloth on the floor first.

    I was about to give you an idea for another activity that is good for distraction, but you know what? I"m going to save it for a blog post! Stay tuned! You totally inspired me :)

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  2. I look forward to reading about It! I'm always in need of new distractions. We had a good morning so far (I picked out the books and suggested some new ones and we spent time outside) naptime came early and I'm feeling better just because I expressed my feelings :)

    I really enjoyed your series of posts on sleep training. Informative and enjoyable.

    Thanks for all you do!

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