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Friday, August 12, 2011

Don't Label Me

I struggle with labels.

It seems once you attach one to yourself you are suddenly defined by that label and constrained by it or feel guilty for not living up to it's standards or trapped within it's limits. I've tried on a few labels in my life. I posed as a hippy for a while in high school and a punk type kid (sans the drugs and stuff). But I never really fit inside those labels or could never fit them inside of me.

I am a bit of a free spirit I guess... though lately I haven't been allowing myself that freedom.

What makes us feel that we need to fit some sort of mold? Mold sucks, it stinks and destroys stuff. I don't desire to be anything other than myself; yet so often I find myself acting in ways that are contrary to my heart. We are social people and we desire to fit somewhere; into a tribe or group. I desire so much to fit somewhere!

And I do: I fit well in my husbands arms. I fit well in my Savior's arms. That's going to have to be enough because I haven't found many other places I fit well without feeling like I'm stuffing back parts of who I am so I don't stick out. It's like having extra limbs you hide under clothing... they'd be so useful if you weren't so ashamed of them!

Here's one label I'm struggling with: Attachment Parenting

Let's start with a definition per wikipedia:

Attachment parenting, a phrase coined by pediatrician William Sears,[1] is a parenting philosophy based on the principles of the attachment theory in developmental psychology. According to attachment theory, the child forms a strong emotional bond with caregivers during childhood with lifelong consequences. Sensitive and emotionally available parenting helps the child to form a secure attachment style which fosters a child's socio-emotional development and well being. 

Well, I can fit into that mold by that definition. But when it comes down to the nitty gritty of how practicing AP plays out in my everyday life I start to feel guilty or not quite good enough. What's up with that?

I am not perfect and I don't always like the way I parent, but there are days when I'm surfing other AP's blogs and just start feeling guilty... There can be so much flat out rejection and judgement spewed towards anyone who doesn't parent exactly as they do. So much extreem wording and blanket statements. I don't want to don that label if it means I am going to be measured by your standards.

I am trying, with all my being, to be sensitive and emotionally (and physically) available to my children. But I don't always play by the "rules" and I'm not totally sure wether I agree with all the rules or not or if I wish I did play by them. But I don't need more guilt in my life, no mother does.

I am going to parent with Grace. And I'm going to try and start that cycle by being gracious to myself as a parent (and to be gracious to other parents). I will continue to breastfeed (them both) and co-sleep and baby-wear. I will continue to try and release my unrealistic expectations of my children. But I'm not sure about other issues... methods of discipline for one. I'm still feeling those out. Parenting is an organic activity and I'm allowed to change my mind sometimes. There will still be days that I will say (like today); "no I'm not going to read to you right now, eat a cookie instead" and that's OK.

Here's to guilt free parenting!!


1 comment:

  1. i feel exactly the same way. yesterday i had a wonderful conversation with a LLL leader and leader-applicant, both of whom are wonderfully gentle parents of lovely, attached (and independent) teens and tweens. they both have done the AP sorts of the things and both hate the label. hearing that was a breath of fresh air, because they are moms who inspire me and i feel the same way.

    labels define and feel safe on the inside, but they exclude, too. the dogmatic AP blogs makes me crazy! (especially the discpline stuff.)

    grace and peace as you figure out what parenting YOUR kids looks like. great post:)

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